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| There's some more things I need to get off my chest, and figured I
should put them here instead of letting hapless Impulse members stuble
upon my emoness :P That being said, this is mostly a bitch
post. It saddens me to have to put this 'disclaimer' up, but I've
gotten stupid comments before. Why people decide to go through
the trouble of reading a post they don't want and then REPLYING is
beyond me, but if you're planning on doing that, expect a ban or two to
come your way.
Once again I find myself wishing I had someone really close to me with
whom I could share all these things. It's true I have a good
amount of friends on the game, and even a few close ones, but I
dunno. It doesn't feel right. Julz is a total doll, but it
seems she's too much of a happy person to ... understand? That
doesn't even make sense, I know. She's a 'silver lining' kind of
gal, which is great most of the time, but as Mark said in my last
entry, 'Misery loves company.' Too true.
Bleh.
So, yeah, I'm going on with school. Missy, predictably, pulled
out. Just as well, since I'd already more than started to look at
apartments on my own. After she said it I was pretty pissed
off. Reading the last entry has me angry, when someone in my real
life brings up Missy and 'What happened with her?' I find myself
getting noticably angry as well, probably to the point where the person
who asked regrets doing so. For a while I questioned my decision
to avoid Missy as I had been. It's true that talking to her got
me more upset, but what she did wasn't truly awful. Or was
it? For a while I didn't know, until I found myself on a
comparable level of anger whenever I thouhgt about her or something
brought her up to the last time I was betrayed. And I realized,
even if the betrayal wasn't that ultimately harsh, it hurts me a lot
more than I thought it would, or even should. So there's a lesson
for ya, kiddies. Betray me and watch out.
Speaking of which....
How stupid was I, last post. The warnings were there. The
writing was on the wall. The alarm bells were ringing. I silenced
them all and ignored everything. What a fool.
If you haven't figured it out yet, it's about Sean.
Two or three weekends in a row he came over, with all the enthusiasm in
the world. He said all the right things, of course. We
fooled around. I stopped him, as I mentioned before, and thank
god I had the sagacity to do it back then, even if I wanted it.
After that, he got 'busy'. Wasn't around as much, stopped
messaging me, etc. Until recently, over the last few weeks, he
doesn't even bother replying when I do message or email him.
Ironic, huh? Yeah, I've ignored people. I guess what hurts
me the most is that he hasn't even bothered to give me a reason, or say
anything, or even let me know things were wrong, or even that he didn't
want this anymore. It was just, poof.
That's okay, I deserved it. Moving on...
I took a break from FFXI for about a week because of a few harsh
comments. It seems I've made a few enemies in Impulse. I
really.... don't... actually care very much that they hate me or want
to do whatever they can to see me crash and burn. My skin used to
crawl at the thought of people hating my guts. I guess I can even
thank these people for desensitizing me to it. Every once in a
while, though, there's a comment or two that just strikes me the wrong
way. There are a few things that still strike home, I'll
admit. I don't want to say what it was for a variety of reasons,
but suffice it to say, I needed some time off.
Besides, I had just bought VP2 and still have the rest of ToL, Magna
Carta, and a bunch of other games lined up down the road that I enjoy
but haven't finished yet. So my ps2 gaming will not slow for a
while yet! That's good news. Even so, I was still feeling
crappy Wednesday, so I went out and rented a few movies, and saw they
had Tales of the Abyss to rent....... gah. Couldn't resist.
It's actually pretty good, and I'm enjoying the story as well as the
gameplay. Doesn't help that the main characters are all total
babes, too *.* I loved VP2 as well, and you can read more about
that on my game blog.
And finally, there's some huge news.
I signed a lease. Rwar.
While I've been paying rent for years now, this is the first time I'll truly be on my own.
The place I found is fantastic. The cheapest of all the places I
looked at. Not huge (about 9x8 or so) but not a cubbyhole.
About half of my current furniture should fit in there decently.
The best part is, all the utilities are in the price, including both
cable AND internet. /wet dream. It seems almost too good to
be true, aside from the fact that it's a bit far from my school and the
room is a liiiiiittle small. But, hey, it's not like I'd find
anything bigger for the price I was looking for. Does anyone else
find it weird that the huge place I'm in now all the way on the edge of
the city takes me ~1hr to commute, where this tiny hole all the way
downtown is gonna take 20-30 mins still? Odd... Still, I
can't stay here so that's not an option any longer.
Moving out is scary, but it hasn't ... quite.... hit me yet. To
be honest, I don't know when/if it will. Usually things like this
I can remain level-headed until things have settled into the changes
and then I just take it and run. I'm hoping I can keep that kind
of realistic view when it comes to this, too. (Thank you, Dominic.)
So with cable and internet included, I'm hoping there will be little to
no displacement. I'm also hoping one of these job interviews I
had recently will pull through. Once January comes I'm gonna have
so much less free time on my hands it won't be funny. FFXI is
gonna have to take a backburner for a while.
Anyway, I have to go eat and do other stuff before I leave for class in half an hour.
Thanks for reading. Till next time.
| | |
| Just in case you're not sure why you're here, this is my little emo-bitch blog, so don't say you weren't warned~
Been a while since I felt the need to blog about something bothering
me, huh? My last post talks about lack of a close person onto
whom I could dump all these feelings 1-on-1, as opposed to tossing it
up in the public eye. It made me think cause, usually I have a
really hard time trusting someone enough to really sit down with them
and tell them everything that's bugging me. Even Sean and Missy
don't feel right to me yet. I'll talk about those people some
more later. The last people who I used to be able to tell this
shit to were Cecelia, and Daione... both whom I met on an online game
(surprise!) but who I ended up really caring about. Heather to a
lesser extent, but it's really obvious she's a very busy person, so
dumping my baggage on her never felt right.
GWM seeking Somewhat Weird person who is Cool, doesn't Patronize me,
listens to my Problems and returns to me with theirs without any
Sanctimonious Garbage. Any takers? ......... Didn't think so :P
Maybe some of you have heard me talk about or mention Missy. For
those who read this from WoW, you know who I'm talking about.
She'll probably, eventually, find her way to this blog - but everything
here I've already told her once or twice so I don't care.
Missy and I got along fairly well at the beginning. I don't know
what changed, but some of her habits just... really started to bug
me. Very possibly her actions and nature just really grated
against my INTJ
nature, and her habits just really started to annoy me. Things
like, she constantly mumbles which makes it infuriating to hear what
she's saying. I'm a person who believes they should have what
they want when paying for it - like in a restaurant; if something is
not to your liking, since you are paying for it, you
have the right to get it fixed. Her very quiet, unimposing,
permission-asking, unsure nature might be cute for 5 minutes, but when
I see her 'settling' for something she's paying for, it makes me
angry. Why? I dunno. Probably because I care about her
enough that I want to see her happy, but it comes out like that.
Anyway, Missy decided a couple months ago that she was going to change
up her life, that she wasn't particularly happy with her job, and that
for a variety of reasons, she wanted to move to a more metropolitan
area, probably go back to school, and look for a new job. That
ended up meaning, move into Toronto with me, go to school with me, and
going from there. She visited me and we went to see what the
school she picked was about, and I ended up liking it so much, I
applied for the same class as she did. We both paid $100 for the
application/tuition insurance fee, and things moved on. Soon
after she voices she's unsure about what's gonna happen. She'll
suck at the class. She won't find a job. She'll be in debt
from the loan. She doesn't know anyone else in Toronto. All
valid fears sure, I'm not above having fears about changing my life,
either. However, she let them get to her.
Last weekend when she came over, she came downstairs to my room one
morning when I wasn't even fully awake, and mumbled in her quiet little
Missy Voice, that she "didn't think" she would be coming to school in
January while I laid in bed half-asleep. Even reading that
sentence again pisses me off. I was mad at her for not being firm
in her decision. I was mad because she didn't even have the
decency to talk to me about it in a regular conversation instead of
poking me till I was half awak then saying something. I was mad
because she made me look like an idiot to my entire family, to whom I
had happily announced my 'going back to school' with her. And I
was mad because she didn't want to take the risk to do something better
for herself, something that wasn't a 100% sure thing, that would be
with me - that we would have dealt with the issues together. But
no. She decided she was going to "wait for a year", since they
were giving her more shit to do at her current job (without a raise),
which I pretty much figured meant she's not going to do it at
all. She make all the promises and (em)pathetic noises she wants,
but I'm not fooled by them in the least. And since finding a
well-paying and long-term job for me at this point would be just as
difficult if not HARDER than going back to school in January, I decided
right then and there, still in bed, that I was going to go with, or
without her.
Since then I've mostly just ignored her. She messages me, but I
barely want to talk to her. I don't know how someone could be so
naive to think that after crushing such a promise, hurting me so much,
and practically dashing my plans to pieces, that I WANT to read their
fucking 40 billion messages the day after. What's WORSE is, the
second she got home she was "feeling bad" about her decision to not
come, so maybe it was not such a good decision after all. I told
her to stop making decisions about the course of the rest of her life
on emotion alone, get to a decision and get back to me
then. Yet she still pokes me on MSN 12 times a
minute. I don't want her to go away. I don't want to have
to block her. I don't want to ignore her actively. Just
leave me the fuck alone or make a decision for once in your life.
Sigh.
Well that's that issue. I don't care anymore one way or the
other, I just wish she told me so I can start looking for apartments
solo. I'm giving her until November 1st. If she still
doesn't have a decision, I'm getting a roomate.
The other person that's been on my mind a lot... is Sean. If you
scroll back on this blog far enough, and in my old Livejournal one as
well, you'll see me mention him a number of times. The short
version is, we also met online, he lives 1-2 hours away from me, so we
dated a couple years back. We saw each other twice, maybe three
times, the chemistry was there, the sparks were there, but something
about him made him too nervous/shy/scared to date people - probably
because he wasn't out yet, and dating a guy would probably mean more
people would have to know. So he freaked out, got scared, and
dumped me. It hurt. A lot. Especially since I had
just started to develop feelings for him.
Well, we chatted a few times here and there since then. When I
went back to work most recently, I saw him online and checked his old
blog that was linked to his MSN account, read some of it, then messaged
him. He didn't get back to me till much later, but then we talked
some more, talked about our lives, and then inevitably started talking
about 'that time' back then, and what had happened. He hadn't
forgotten about me. He even still thought about me, too.
Strangely enough, he ended up asking me out for coffee - something he never would have done when I knew him those two years ago.
I was impressed with how much he'd grown. He was still, of
course, the same person, but he seemed like a whole person now, with
his own thoughts, his own ideals, and he really seemed to have things
figured out for himself. Something that not only impressed me,
but attracted me further to him. Not that he knew what he was
gonna be doing when he was 50, but rather, he had a voice, he had an
opinion, he had reasons and morals, and they were all well thought out
and best of all, he stood by them because he believed in them for his
own reasons, not someone else's. That's rare.
We spent last Thursday together, just hanging out, playing video games,
etc. Then Friday he came over again to our mutual agreement, and
things got a little more... involved. Even after all this time,
he was still attracted to me, and I to him. And while we had
fooled around bit those two years ago, it seemed as though we
were still really comfortable with each other. We ended up making
out and rolling around at my place for a while, but I pointedly stopped
things from going further than that. Unfortunately he got sick
over the weekend, so he wasn't able to meet anyone then, but he came
over yesterday (Tuesday) again and he met my dad briefly, then the same
thing happened, and I stopped him again.
But all that did to me, was raise questions in my mind. Sean just
took it like I was the 'smarter one', the 'more experienced one', and
though he asked a few questions which I kindof answered, it was my
decision and he respected it. But it just made me think about the
relationship more. Sure I'm attracted to him, we already have a
bit of history, and crazily enough, he makes me feel attractive
and worth something in a way that fake online flirting and pretending
to be a slut sorta does, but in actual real life. So
besides the reason that it's not a good idea to put out on the "second"
date, I really don't have any reason to stop him. He asked me
what I wanted to wait for.... I realized I didn't know. I guess I
want this to turn into an actual relationship this time before we get
intimate, as opposed to a few visits into the city and suddenly we're
jumping in the sack. I hope he can wait for me, or whatever it
is. Or rather, I hope we can really get into an actual
relationship. I think I'd like that. A lot.
And ugh, killing a bug with bugspray sure does keep your hands clean
and prevent the heebie-jeebies, but fuck it stinks >.<
Thanks for reading this, if you did. Good to know I always have
an audience for my misery =) Hehe. Maybe I should buy a
real diary or something :P
Meh.
| | |
| I realize that other people post what
is now being referred to as 'emo' on their blogs, and that in essence
it really is my space with which I can do whatever I want, but this
whole 'DRAMA SUX' attitude has me concerned that I'm pushing people
away. I guess the way most people want to have fun doesn't lend
itself to actually caring about the the other guy more than 'that's the
guy who tanks the mob for me. ThxU!'
My life right now isn't total crap. There are things I'm thankful
for, and I have good days along with the bad. But as anyone has
I'm sure experienced at least once, sometimes there are just weeks, or
months, where everything you try isn't good enough, when all your good
things seem to turn to ashes in your mouth, and when all the new things
don't work like they're supposed to, or are sub-par.
It's truly disheartening to know how much 'happiness' revolves around spending money, and/or having it.
I'm sorry for the near-sepuchral tone of my posts recently, but I find
this more comforting for some reason than going to one person right
now, since I don't feel comfortable enough with anyone I know right now
to core dump on them. I used to have two people I was close to,
but one up and left, and the other doesn't seem to care anymore.
Still, if you're reading this, I would be thankful for your comments, anecdotes, questions, whatever.
Guild relations with Steve are still disfunct. I don't try to
understand him anymore - he's made it clear to me that he does what he
wants regardless of who it might smack in the head, as long as he
thinks it's true. Even if it's not. I have never seen a man
with more conviction than him in my entire life.
There was a raid we co-hosted with 3 pickup people a couple weeks ago
in Scholo - for some reason Steve decided either he didn't have to wear
the leadership badge for the night, or he just felt like goofing off,
or he was high, or something. Either was he was actually really
enjoyable. Cracking jokes, goofing around, kidding and
playing. The kind of easy-going yet functionable atomsphere we
usually try for in our raids. I don't know where that all
changed, but other than that one night, and another time where he was
like that for the first 10 minutes of the instance, he's actually come
down on people and berated them for "goofing off too much". Why
he thinks I can't hit combat/sap buttons and "flirt with Shah" at the
same time is beyond me. How much concentration do you really
need? It's truly surprising to me how much he's willing to blur
the line between work and play, under the crusade of 'doing what's
right for the guild'. The result is that he usually applies
himself too seriously. Who cares about "performance"? Last I
checked, I played video games to have fun, not to 'be all I could
be'. That's the army, remember?
In any case, with Steve's vehemence and the absurdly late starts the
guild has been beginning instances the past few days, I haven't even
logged on WoW since the weekend. I miss something as fully
engaging as it was, but with Jajette capped at 60 and levelling a
Priest boring me to tears, I don't find it there. I honestly have no
idea how Hobbez leveled it to 60, and then again to 30-something.
Every single mob consists of: pull with nuke. Nuke.
DoT. Then heal yourself over 200 seconds until it dies while
whacking at it with a hammer that I swear is made of sodden toilet
paper glued to a pipe cleaner. Apparently speccing shadow makes
things more 'interesting', but as far as I know, specs don't add any
real shape to a class until at least 20, maybe 30. Of course
things would be better if I actually had someone to level with, but
there's no chance in hell of that I'm sure ;/
If you couldn't tell, I'm in a really awful mood recently.
I'm looking forward to next week where I will probably just veg all week and sink further into depression.
Yay.
| | |
| So, what is in the mind of
Justin? Indeed it has been a while since I've had the "time" to
update one of these. And by that I mean when jobless, I'm usually
RPing on mIRC, playing FFXI, playing WoW, writing, on any combination
of those in tandem :p So when it comes down to it I don't have
the 'sit on my butt' time like I do when I'm back here, working.
So I decided to make a catchup post. Hope you enjoy reading a lot!
Guess I'll start with real life.
I took a course last week to help me discover more of a career path
that I'd be able to take. It gave me some ideas, but I have to do
some more research on it on my own now, which I'll probably do in the
next few days. Basically, just a start to something that I can
hopefully persue. Maybe. As for a job, I'm currently broke
^^; Since my IE didn't kick in - apparnetly I needed more hours
than I had over the course of last year. Sucks.
Fortunately, my old employer has been nice enough to hire me to cover
phones for the number of hours that I need to qualify, probably ending
in late Dec. / early Jan., which will probably barely catch me up to
speed on bills, if at all. Meaning, I had to put FFXI on hiatus
for a while. Thankfully Nicole's card will last me through
December, but after that I'm on my own. Gulp. At least I
don't have to beg and plead my Dad to put WoW on his credit card, since
I can just hop by a store and pick up a prepaid. I hope.
Good idea, Blizzard <3. I'll get to WoW in a little bit.
My sexual life has also been completely vexing. If you don't want
to read about it, skip this paragraph. In particular, there have
been a couple of guys really frustrating me in this area. The
first and foremost is a guy who, apparently, confuses himself almost as
much as he confuses me. Flirting and sexual banter is fine, when
I know where it's leading - even if I know it's leading to absolutely
nothing, at least I know. While the guy has said outright to me
that he could never really "think" of another guy really sexually, or
definately not in a relationship, there's more to it. Firstly, he
was already in a serious relationship with a guy a year ago, which
ended because the other guy was too emotional for him. I
think. Also, he flirts and makes comments to me that are more
than passive. Of course being me, the sentiment is usually
returned, but he responds either too enthusiastically, or completely
and utterly ignores/dismisses it. In explaining it like this, it
seems obvious he's just coming to grips with his sexuality and isn't
yet ready to admit it to himself. It could be that, but in all
honesty I have no idea. I wish he would be willing to share what he's
thinking with me - or even be willing to think about it himself!
I have a feeling he's running from it because he doesn't like what's
written on the wall. Or maybe that's just what I'm hoping
:P Second guy causing me aches is a long-standing
pseudo-crush. This one's pretty recent. I've known him for
years now, and he's always been an adorably sweet guy, mostly straight
with a streak of experimentuality. Once we almost fooled around,
but we were interrupted by something "more important" where he left
immediately to persue someone else. That was the beginning
:/ Recently I've seen him around, but his demeanour always seems
to cold to me. He, too, barely responds to me, if at all. I
even ventured a sexual compliment the other day, and was met with a
frigid thank you followed by silence. Did I do something to upset
him? I dunno. The last guy is Josh, who knows he's
frustrating the hell out of me, but does it anyway :P Why?
No clue. More important question is, why does it bother me?
I dunno! Probably because I've never dealt with this type of
reaction to my attitude on FFXI. Most guys handle it one way or
another, and those ways I've grown accustomed to. Rarely, a guy
with no interest at all will flirt back occasionally, and while I can
sense feelings starting to bubble up in these occasions, I squash them
back down before they have a chance to develop. Josh, is another
matter, for some strange reason. Why? He's not the first to
initiate, he's not embarassingly dirty. Maybe because he's so
frank and upfront? I honestly don't know, but I find him
frustrating. He says he likes teasing me, but it's a "hollow
tease", that there's no amusement. I dunno why I'm going on about
this, I just feel like I need to spew since I haven't in so long :P
That's about it for RL that I can think of right now.
FFXI has been falling by the wayside. I said I wouldn't quit for
WoW, and I still don't intend to. I'd like to come back, sometime
soon, when I have the extra funds available. It's true that I
haven't been playing very often. Hell, some weeks the only time
I'm on the whole week is for Legacy Dynamis ;/ I find that if I
log on, I sit around in my mog and say hello in LS chat, then hang
around, and do not much else for a couple hours while I usually have
WoW running on my computer next to it. A few times I've been invited to
something fun. I guess I should try to be more active in Impulse,
since most of the time it feels like some people think of me as like, a
mascot :P Ah well. At least it's not a source of greif
anymore, and mostly an "I don't care since I don't have feeling
invested in it anymore" type of thing, which is wholly relieving.
And besides the possible exceptions of like, Vento, Zepp, and maybe
Kaelen, not a whole lot of people miss me or even notice my presence or
lack thereof recently :P To sum it all up in one word: Meh.
My RP has been great recently, and has picked up to several channels a
day. It's been a great source of inspiration, and I enjoy it with
a new partner these days. She's great :)
And then there's WoW!
What a roller coaster. It's been up and down, but for sure it's
been my primary source of entertainment and a fair share of greif for
the last little while.
My Rogue is now 57. My Druid 16, and my Warlock 31.
So far, I've been invited to quite a bit of "end game" content, and I
must say, I am enjoying it. A lot. I fit in nicely with the
rest of the group, and I've gotten some compliments that I try not to
let fatten my head :P But the point is, I love being 'useful', as
was my grief in a previous post, and I definately have found my
niche. Rogue is awesome for me. While it doesn't satisfy
that intense gratification I have of helping others as a healer does, I
find ways to do so. For instance, I'm a veritable whirlwind of
damage, and I use that to assist others in the killing they need to
do. I with Mel had as much free time as me sometimes, because
honestly, we make an amazing team. She likes to follow, and is
pretty content to hang around, be patient, and be my
silent-but-comfortable company while we figure things out and make a
few mistakes along the way. Not to mention the fact that a
Paladin and a Rogue make a scary team. We could duo all day long
with barely a break! :D And I'm more than happy to give her
pauses and such for mana, but she doesn't seem to need them. I
only worry that I make things boring for her, since the fights are
probably a fair bit faster than she's used to ^^; And sometimes
I'm moving on to a next mob before she's finished healing me from the
last, hehe :P Man, I would kill to have a Priest follow me around
XD Maybe when I hit 60 I'll farm with Hobbez a lot :)
Hobbez and Shah, the two primary new faces in the guild, are a constant
pleaser. Hobb is wonderful to be around, and while usually a bit
quiet, is still great company. He's expressive, has a good sense
of humor, and is fun to kid around with. Shah is also a great
friend. I stopped hitting on him so much ;P But every once
in a while we hang out and that invariably leads to clothing flying off
and interesting things going on hehe. Keep your eyes on my other
blog for pics of those :P Why am I talking about these
guys? I dunno! I guess just somewhere I wanted to say I'm
happy to have good friends.
Raid situations have been, for the most part, a lot better. It's closing time, so I'll say more tomorrow :) Bye!
| | |
| Emo/Angst post. Consider yourself warned.
Things have not been good.
RL, I tried to apply to Walker again, by calling the supervisor.
You can probably look back in this blog or my other one on livejournal
to see how much I did not enjoy this job, and that I eventually had to
see a doctor because of the stress level. Well, at first she said
there was a training session for a new thing going
on, and that I should call her the first week in Oct. to find out when
I could come in. Well, that week was extremely busy, with that
giant fight with my dad, the high holidays, and that Evron actually
wanted me to help out in that 3-day week. So I called her later a
couple times and left 2-3 messages, but never heard back.
Bitch. So I semi gave up, and applied for Employment Insurance as
it's called in Canada, and it takes them fucking 3 weeks to tell me
someone screwed up on my RoE at Walker and showed I only had 10
workable days, when I was there from February to April. Nice,
huh? Naturally I get this piece of mail on Friday, so I can't do
anything for 2 days. I've been lethargic and unmotivated enough
not to search very hard for a job, though I guess I should start to get
a fire under my ass. I just wish I was "qualified" for more than
I am, or willing to swallow my pride and work at like, Tim Horton's or
something. Blah. Would be nice if I could work in the
Insolvency department again... now that I'm living in the city I could
bug that placement woman again.
My TV is still in the shop, buddy keeps dicking me around and pushing
it back more time cause he can't fix it properly. So far he
hasn't told me there was going to be an increase in price, so now my
patience has gone down from $10 leeway to 0. My dad was nice
enough to drive all the way down to his girlfriend's when she was
feeling sick just to pick me up a mini-tv so I could play PS2 even on
that, and it did cross my mind to make sure it had the right hook-ups,
but I didn't bother and figure my dad knew. Well, he
didn't. He checked for only the co-ax (cable) connection so I
couldn't join Dynamis again. Now I'm starting to wonder what everyone
thinks of me in that shell. Bleh. I told my dad how
appreciative I was that he drove all the way down there just for me
before he went down, and naturally I was a little disappointed when I
wasn't even able to use it, but I don't think I threw a fit or made it
obvious that I blamed him. Still, when he came home he went
straight upstairs without even saying hello. Whatever.
WoW is causing me more grief than it probably should. Sure I'm
enjoying it like on my blog, but there's more to it. I know Dai
reads this blog, but I have to get this out, and I'm not about to dump
it all over her and make it seem like her fault. So I'm disabling
comments 'cause I don't really need to be told "Oh honey I'm sorry
:(". If someone has something supportive or comforting to say,
you know how to reach me. Anyway, I'll put it this way.
With the exception of occasional chats with Hobbez, hanging out with
Mel here and there, and Steve being there almost all the time, playing
Jajette feels exactly the same as playing my Warlock on Alleria - where
I know ONE person who's barely on, and the rest of the guild seems to
actively ignore me (a feeling that is not uncommon on Dalaran, either.)
I'm lonely as all hell. I'm level fourty-fucking-four, and with
the exception of a smattering of instances here or there, I've never
even seen some of the members of our guild. I'm not demanding
everyone in the guild drop what they're doing the moment I sign on and
come watch me kill gorillas in STV, but it's gotten to the point where
all I'm doing is grinding and seriously wondering, when/if I get to 60,
will it be any better? Those guys are not having problems filling
out their little raids now, and the addition of me won't enable them to
go to bigger raids, so what's going to happen? Yesterday was the
most fun I've had in forever on that damn game, because I got in a
pickup group in Uldaman with NO powerlevelers, and it actually
challenging as opposed to, well the 60 just cleans shit up and all I do
is sit there and spam Backstab.
I sat there staring out my window thinking about how I was gonna word
this. But the whole thing with Nicole is upsetting me, plain and
simple. To make things clear, there is not one iota of my being
that places any blame, mistrust, or mistreatment on her part.
Reading her blog made me smile because of all the things she's
accomplishing, and that she's actually getting to a better place in her
life is worth more than a couple tenuous, shaky, and in the long run
usually meaningless (case in point) online friendships. I don't feel
that she's turned her back on me, just that she's moved on. But,
that doesn't make it any less upsetting. I'm sure she knows, but
I just have to put it down in my "journal", cause it hurts. That
she logged on last night and didn't throw me a second thought (or a
first...) can definately be attributed to how busy she is, but if the
situation was reversed, would you notice something like that,
Nicole? Probably.
So there you have it. I'm an asshole who figures he picked one
server out of 30(?) to be with friends more than an occasional chat and
the rare instnace. I'm a selfish prick for wanting to have some
"me" time, for wanting my friends to spend time with me. For
wanting the one person who actually made a difference in my life for
years to act on all those "when are you coming to WoW? ditch that
game and come play with me." other than one night in the month and a
half I've been playing, and sending me a couple bags.
Yup, asshole here.
I was gonna bitch about some guy I started to like that's about as
interested in me as a pile of dirt, but now I'm not feeling up to
it. You'll have to suffer through it later, I'm sure.
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